The other day, I had a fascinating revelation. Being engaged has pushed me into a pre-marriage early mid-life crisis. I’ve even gone so far as to pull out the music that I listened to when I was twelve – Paula Abdul, Milli Vanilli… You name it, I can be found dancing through my apartment to it.

And suddenly, I realized what was going on: I was trying to enjoy my youth while I still could. Somehow, as soon as that ring was on my finger, I felt my youth slipping away. I’ve even caught myself wearing wool cardigans! When, I wondered, did I get this old? Then I looked down, and there it was – that diamond ring.

Oh, no! I thought. I’m growing up! I’m getting married! Teenage waiters will soon be justified in calling me Ma’am! Aaaarg! I can’t do this! I made such a good young, single chick! I’m a Toys ‘R’ Us kid, for crying out loud!

Just yesterday (well, more like last month), I was such a crazy, carefree girl (or at least that’s how I remember it). Then I looked in the mirror one morning, and I saw an old, fat woman in a cardigan sweater – a woman whose greatest concern at that particular moment was which flatware pattern would be more user-friendly.

Thus, in order to regress even more into a twelve-year-old state, I – like all other crisis-ridden brides-to-be – have started my pre-wedding diet.

As if I weren’t stressed-out and miserable enough! Now I’m trying to find the perfect reception hall all by myself – without chocolate! I’ve eaten more bananas than I ever thought possible. And all of my meals contain a combination of the following ingredients: pasta, canned peas (cold), lettuce, curry, seasoned salt, and Fat Free Honey Dijon Salad Dressing.

But I’m convinced that, by the time I go on my honeymoon, I’ll look fabulous in some butt-baring shorts and a tiny little cropped top. And maybe Paul will even get arrested for illegally marrying a twelve-year-old (wouldn’t that be cool?).

When I was in high school, I worked in a bridal shop, and I was always amazed by the brides who came in. They were all so crazed and frantic.

Suddenly, I understand completely.

** Will Jill waste away to nothing? Will she throw her TV from her second-floor apartment after seeing one too many Pizza Hut commercials? Will she find both a flatware pattern AND a reception hall? Stay tuned… **